My darling daughter,I know that in as many as three weeks or as few as three days, you will be here. As I sit here now, watching you squirm below the surface of my belly, my skin rolling and stretching with your every movement - I am in awe.
Last night I had a dream that I was getting ready to go out and when I looked in the mirror, my right front tooth looked funny. I touched it and it wiggled, then fell out completely. Horrified, I opened the bathroom door a crack and called for your Nana, who was over at the time. There were a lot of family around, but I wanted your Nana. She came in and I was crying as I showed her the tooth. She calmed me and told me to look in the mirror. Magically, I was not missing a tooth any longer. When I awoke, I looked up the possible meaning of this dream and found that when you have such a dream it means you are about to have a huge change in your life and are doubting your abilities. Calling for your Nana to come was likely my way of looking for reassurance from my own mother - that I would be able to be a good mother to you.
Over these last few weeks, your daddy and I have been taking a lot of trips down memory lane. We've talked about the circumstances that led us to find each other, to fall in love, to get a dog, get married, and now - create you. We talk about how far we've come and what a miracle it all is. And it is a miracle. We talked about you, sweetheart, long before you came to be. We called you by name and had conversations with you until we were ready for you to come into our world. And your precious soul waited patiently for us to be ready. And you came. And soon we will meet and you will be part of our family. We are so grateful that you chose us to be your parents and that God chose you to be our daughter.
You probably could do without the mush, but let me just say that your daddy is an incredible man and you are the luckiest little girl to have him. He is the most loving and generous husband and I am the luckiest woman. You won't remember this, but he talks to you and rubs the spot that we think is your bottom (hard to tell). He tells you how hard he is going to try to be a good daddy and how much he will love you. He cooks fantastic and nourishing dinners for us and takes enormous pride in feeding us and helping you to grow healthy and strong. He has also taken on a lot of the household chores and the care of Duncan - things I'm not able to do anymore, as you have grown so much.
I talk to you and sing to you. All the time. And I play "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" - a snowglobe/music box that I received as a gift when I choreographed 'The Wizard of Oz' 10 years ago. I place it firmly against the low part of my belly where your head is and hope that it soothes you. You often wiggle - just a little bit - before listening attentively until the tune runs out.
You have been a blissful sleeper lately and I so appreciate that. Aside from the one time your daddy made spicy pasta and it had you kicking my insides until the wee hours - and the other time I had some late night Ben and Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup ice cream (which made you twist and stretch and squirm and hiccup all night long) - you've been great. I wonder if your current sleep habits will be any indication of how you will sleep when you are here?
There is so much I wonder about you. Who will you look like? Will you have your daddy's round butt, or my own flat 'no-butt'? What color will your eyes be? Will you be into sports or the arts? Cooking or climbing the corporate ladder? What will your voice sound like?
And bigger wonders and I suppose fears - will you love me? Will you be proud of me? Will I be able to raise you to be a caring, loving and thoughtful citizen of the world? Will I be a good mother to you, so that I will earn the right to have you call me 'friend' when you are a grown woman?
I love you so much already and you aren't even here. I'm so looking forward to holding you, my baby girl. I do not like to hold other people's babies, as they always seem to cry when placed in my arms. Sometimes the baby will cry before I even touch it. I'm hoping this unsettling and upsetting trend will end when I hold you.
Until that day comes, I will continue to rub your 'bump' of a butt, talk to you and soothe you.
I'll see you soon, baby girl.
Love,
Mommy
